I don’t know what hurts most, that he messed up or that I was a fool for letting him in. We tend to not notice the bad in someone when we are really wishing for them to have changed and all so we tend to fill ourselves with this false sense of hope and promise that this time it would be different but is it ever different? No. Not at all.
It took me a long time to recover from the pain he had caused me the first time. Took a couple of years for me to come to terms with the fact that I probably wouldn’t have him in my life, I wouldn’t spend more time with him like I had hoped and prayed for. It was extremely hard and sometimes I would lock myself in the room and cry myself to sleep when I thought of the awesome times I could have with him, the memories we could make, it would break my heart. Then one sad day, just as I was about to let the tears come down, a rainy day I remember, I screamed to myself, ‘No Theo! You can’t keep doing this to yourself,’ and just like that I was done with him, I just took him out of my heart, mind and soul and got over him. Or so I thought…
‘Theo, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you all the pain I did. I know I was never really there when you needed me the most but now I want to be there,’ he said to me and damn was I a fool to believe this. Yes, I bought his crap and just like everything in my life it started off good, great infact. We spent more time together, more than we did in the beginning. I got to know a side of him I never knew. I opened up to him a bit, matter of fact a lot. We whatsapped a lot, he helped me out when I needed advice or anything of that sorts. It was all great and everything was perfect. Exactly the way I had dreamt of it. The way I had been dreaming of it to happen. For once in my life I was happy; genuinely happy. A short lived happiness it would turn out to be.
Just like every good thing in my life it had to come to a short, painful end. I guess that was the one and only fairytale moment I would ever have with my dad. I guess I was blinded by my childhood desires of having him around that I jumped at the chance to have him without noticing the dangers lurking in the horizon because now I’m back where I started; sad, depressed and without him. I have finally accepted that me and him are done. For good. At least I got the chance to generate a good memory with him, which I will cherish forever. I still feel like if I got the chance to go back in time, I would still let him in eventhough I know the pain I would feel in the end because that little pain doesn’t compare to the joy of having had him around.